Growing Up Is Hard To Do

----------------
Now playing: Hillsong Music Australia - From the Inside Out
via FoxyTunes

It crept up on me slowly but by Saturday afternoon it had taken root. Discontentment. I tend to maintain a decent perspective on life. I have my challenges but don't we all etc. But in the times I loose sight of that big picture, I have been known to have something of a shit fit.

I have always struggled with paralyzing anxiety and it a definite trigger is allowing discontentment to reign in my mind. As a recent college grad with a chronic illness, working in a very stressful job that is not exactly what I want to do for a career, looking at an ever-weakening economy and confronting the reality of having to be my own provider (i.e. single) - even as I type this my chest tightens - it is easy to feel overwhelmed, restless, self-pitying, anxious. Discontent.

As soon as I realized what was happening, I quickly snapped my laptop shut, turned off Lifetime, hopped out of bed - and back into reality. I cleaned my apartment and did some sewing. I ran errands and did laundry. Most importantly though, I went to church Sunday evening where I was reminded of the most important and wonderful reality of all. Yes I am a sinner. Yes I am powerless over sin. Yes I should be condemned to hell. Yes Jesus' blood wiped the slate clean!

Quickly the discontentment began to fade. I remember that fibromyalgia while painful, has not crippled me or shortened my life. I remember that while I cannot see my future, God can. I remember to be thankful for the job that I have and not frustrated it is not my 'ideal'. I remember that I am actually very pleased to be single and that I should enjoy the blessings of it (i.e. a queen bed to myself and no one second guessing my clothing purchases).

I think that the truth behind discontentment is that it is based entirely on falsehoods and false assumptions. Just because that grass looks greener from here doesn't mean that it is. That's not to say that I don't still struggle with envying my sisters who are married don't have the burden of providing for themselves. It doesn't mean that I don't envy those who do not have physical limitations and get to do things my body does not allow. It certainly doesn't mean that I don't have anxiety about the future...or more specifically my future. But when I do feel that tug in my chest I will pop on my ipod and listen to this song by Hillsong Unitedwe sang in church on Sunday, From the Inside Out

A thousand times I've failed
Still your mercy remains
And should I stumble again
Still I'm caught in your grace

Everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending, Your glory goes beyond all fame
my heart and my soul, Lord I give you control
Consume me from the inside out Lord
Let justice and praise become my embrace
To love You from the inside out

Your will above all else, my purpose remains
The art of losing myself in bringing you praise

Everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending, Your glory goes beyond all fame
In my heart, in my soul, Lord I give you control
Consume me from the inside out Lord
Let justice and praise become my embrace
To love You from the inside out

Everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending, Your glory goes beyond all fame
And the cry of my heart is to bring You praise
From the inside out Lord, my soul cries out