And Now For My Newest Trick

Smiderman got in trouble this week and was sent to yellow chair. When she finally quieted down, I went to check behind the partition and this is what I found. Inside there she's saying "Cheese!"

Hazy Lazy Days

this chick musta been a teacher because this is my end of workday pose

Well, the weekend has come to a close and as I survey my apartment, I find little evidence that I made anything but a mess. Yes it is true, my apartment is tore up from the floor up and yet here I sit...writing a blog, installing the adobe creative suite on my new computer, watching the Tudors and coming up with more fun ideas for my new business venture. Oh and something in the living room smells. I suppose I aught to investigate but I'd really rather sit here and feel creative while Jonathan Reese Myers shows just how well equipped he is to play a lecherous, chauvinist, drunkard king. Awesomeness.

I think I came up with the name for my new business...Creative Parties by Denise. Simple and maybe a bit boring but I think it needs to be broad and communicate the service. More to come on that front.

Welcome to the Danger Zone

These past few weeks have been harrowing to say the least. Teaching in public schools is something like working in world-weird where you never know what challenge/sociopath will be thrown at you next. The hardest part is that teachers rights are non-existent which boils down to the fact that kids can hit, spit, curse and the like and we can....tell them that's a sad choice. Take that homicidal maniac. Thankfully I am not directly involved with the new Hannibal-esque student that just transferred in, but the strain on our staff is felt by many. I've been coming home and collapsing in a puddle. Being afraid for my life can be so exhausting.

One student who is my charge in the mornings, Little Copper, has taken a distinct disliking to me and I am greeted each morning by shin kicks, punches and cries for me to be fired. Ah well. That's one way to start the day. I tend to follow him languidly as he runs from me, I take long sips from my morning tea and make sure to keep him in eyesight but not to pushy about keeping him in kicking range. Hmmm. Not so sure I'll miss him and or his imaginary friends...especially not Hurricane Andrew.

My straight gig has been distracting me from my creative pursuits so right now I'm working double-time to prepare for my newest endeavor. My new venture is offering party 'entertainment' where I will teach kids (or of course adults). I'll teach things like screen printing, small sewing projects etc. My first party is for my youngest cousin's birthday party. I'm super excited and currently channeling my inner tween. I'm going to show the girls how to do screen printing. So now I need to go and watch High School Musical, read that Twilight book, write in my diary about how my parents are ruining my life and put on copious amounts of eyeliner. Yay.

Quantum Physics

Today I watched a man with a doctorate in quantum physics attempt to teach music to kindergartners. It made me feel smart. It made the children feel sleepy. Smiderman and Superfly were out of their minds with boredom and kept giving me looks that could only say, "Why do you hate us so much? I barely know my name and now I have to listen to this schmo wax poetic about the bassoon!?!?" I just smiled awkwardly at the sub and wondered what had gone so wrong in his life that he was now working as a substitute teacher.

Only a day and a half left until spring break and I couldn't be more excited. I think I'm going to Colorado and I'm certain that I'm going to be very productive. My new gluten free diet seems to be helping a lot with my pain and while it is (very) time consuming the rewards are greater than the sacrifices (California Pizza kitchen bread).

Now I need to go so I can turn off this creepy IFC movie and tuck myself into bed.

Growing Up Is Hard To Do

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Now playing: Hillsong Music Australia - From the Inside Out
via FoxyTunes

It crept up on me slowly but by Saturday afternoon it had taken root. Discontentment. I tend to maintain a decent perspective on life. I have my challenges but don't we all etc. But in the times I loose sight of that big picture, I have been known to have something of a shit fit.

I have always struggled with paralyzing anxiety and it a definite trigger is allowing discontentment to reign in my mind. As a recent college grad with a chronic illness, working in a very stressful job that is not exactly what I want to do for a career, looking at an ever-weakening economy and confronting the reality of having to be my own provider (i.e. single) - even as I type this my chest tightens - it is easy to feel overwhelmed, restless, self-pitying, anxious. Discontent.

As soon as I realized what was happening, I quickly snapped my laptop shut, turned off Lifetime, hopped out of bed - and back into reality. I cleaned my apartment and did some sewing. I ran errands and did laundry. Most importantly though, I went to church Sunday evening where I was reminded of the most important and wonderful reality of all. Yes I am a sinner. Yes I am powerless over sin. Yes I should be condemned to hell. Yes Jesus' blood wiped the slate clean!

Quickly the discontentment began to fade. I remember that fibromyalgia while painful, has not crippled me or shortened my life. I remember that while I cannot see my future, God can. I remember to be thankful for the job that I have and not frustrated it is not my 'ideal'. I remember that I am actually very pleased to be single and that I should enjoy the blessings of it (i.e. a queen bed to myself and no one second guessing my clothing purchases).

I think that the truth behind discontentment is that it is based entirely on falsehoods and false assumptions. Just because that grass looks greener from here doesn't mean that it is. That's not to say that I don't still struggle with envying my sisters who are married don't have the burden of providing for themselves. It doesn't mean that I don't envy those who do not have physical limitations and get to do things my body does not allow. It certainly doesn't mean that I don't have anxiety about the future...or more specifically my future. But when I do feel that tug in my chest I will pop on my ipod and listen to this song by Hillsong Unitedwe sang in church on Sunday, From the Inside Out

A thousand times I've failed
Still your mercy remains
And should I stumble again
Still I'm caught in your grace

Everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending, Your glory goes beyond all fame
my heart and my soul, Lord I give you control
Consume me from the inside out Lord
Let justice and praise become my embrace
To love You from the inside out

Your will above all else, my purpose remains
The art of losing myself in bringing you praise

Everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending, Your glory goes beyond all fame
In my heart, in my soul, Lord I give you control
Consume me from the inside out Lord
Let justice and praise become my embrace
To love You from the inside out

Everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending, Your glory goes beyond all fame
And the cry of my heart is to bring You praise
From the inside out Lord, my soul cries out

No Rest for the Awkward

The week is done and I am looking forward to a weekend of calming creativity. You know, there are only so many children's stories one can read before seeking solace in reality. I have recently become painfully aware of the fact that children's books are all written by people on some sort of a bad acid trip. Cows that want electric blankets, bears that lead a distinctly civilized life from their tree house and a monkey that has clearly been abducted by some creepo that always wears a banana explorers outfit. These are the stories our children grow up with. No wonder America is stupid.

I digress. I am feeling especially ready for some de-stressing and rest so I am spending my Friday evening listing in my head the things I want to do. Finish hair clips. Clean kitchen. Work on bags. Photograph etsy items. Do some laundry. Find that freaking debit card. Get haircut. Geez louise. I am now getting stressed out by my destressing.

Sip cosomo. Better.

Another sip. Breathing is back under control.

Without sounding like too much of a whiner...I have the worst life of anyone. Ever. Including Anne Frank. Ok but seriously, being an adult is a lot suckier than previously advertised. Ok so it may not have been advertised as awesome but at least it looked awesome. As far as I've found, it's mostly awkwardness and annoyance. Added to that is more awkwardness. Yes well, a long week is now over.

Cheers to a de-stressful weekend!

My Natural Selection

I was strolling through the isles of my local natural foods store feeling pretty happy with myself. Not only had I managed to muster the energy to get groceries, I was taking a step towards a healthier life by trying to eliminate gluten from my diet (ok so I totally cheated on Valentines). Fresh veggies? Check. Natural meat? Check. Bulk nuts? Check. 32 oz. vat of Dr. Pepper from the local Sonic? Oops. Well you know what they say...baby steps. I'm going to ignore the fact that the drink gracing the front of the cart was my second of the day. But what can I say - chasing around my kindergartners kind of shoots my wheels off.

Today I only had Superfly because Smiderman was out sick. Maybe it has something to do with the loads of candy she poured down her throat at the valentines party. My two are often sick and so it's not entirely unusual to be missing one. They love it when they're on their own. They seem to think the more attention the better. Superfly was very sassy today and did not take kindly to me holding out 'danna tanna' (Hanna Montana) as a treat. It's hard not to laugh when he gets saucy because he's so darn cute. If only he could kick his habit of peeing on me. Oh well. Maybe another day.

I found out today that I am getting a new 'morning duty'. Due to my inability to be outside in the cold cold mornings, my new charge will be to escort a young man to breakfast and to his classroom. What makes this an interesting assignment is that this kid hates me and has fired me on more than one occasion. He likes to curse and talk to his imaginary friends and oh yeah - he thinks he's a police officer and tries to arrest people and write them tickets. I can only imagine what these poor kids think. Little Copper got on my bad side when he went on a screaming tyrade at my little Superfly. He screamed, "Freeze! Put your hands where I can seem them! Freeze! Freeeeeeeze!" Poor Superfly just went catatonic and climbed me like a koala. No problem though. I like starting my day with a good dose of profanity and miranda.